Ep 155: Unraveling the Weave of Disappointment: Pathways to Resilience

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Truth and Transcendence, brought to you by being Space with Catherine Llewellyn.

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Truth and Transcendence, episode 155.

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Well, today I would like to talk about quite a sensitive matter, which is to do with hurt and disappointment as part of our learning to conform sufficiently to engage with our tribe, our family, our community, our organization in order for us to adapt successfully.

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One of the things that we learn to do is to make agreements or come to understandings, and one of the very common understandings we come to is if I do this, I will get a certain response or a certain reward.

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So if I'm a good person and I don't hurt other people, I'll be accepted, or if I work hard, I'll get paid for it, or if I put away my money, I can save it for a rainy day.

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This business of making understandings in our collective relationship with other human beings and even one-to-one, and actually even with ourselves individually, and that whole other matter, is something that we rely on in our civilization, because without it, we would constantly have to be referring to some sort of manual or working everything out from scratch.

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In England, we drive on the left side of the road and we have an agreement between us.

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That's what we do.

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We never discuss it, it's just something that we do.

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If somebody arrived from another country where they drive on the right side of the road and simply continue to do that, there would be a lot of problems would occur.

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That person would probably be arrested if they didn't actually die on the roads due to crashes and all sorts of other things that can occur.

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So that's an example of an understanding that we have which we no longer even really think about, and there are a lot of these in our lives.

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If we think about it, we need them.

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We can't be consciously thinking about every single agreement, every single frame of reference, every single boundary in every moment of our lives.

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It would take up more than our capacity for conscious thought, and we need our conscious thought for other matters.

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Now, one of the things that can occur as a result of this particular dynamic is that we then have expectations.

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If I drive on the left side of the road, no one's going to drive into my car.

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If I'm a good girl, if I'm a child, if I'm a good girl, I will be given my pocket money, I will be given sweets, I will be loved, and there are many, many of these in our lives.

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And although we might stop.

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As adults, we might say to ourselves yeah, but I'm a grown-up now, I know not to really have expectations like that.

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I know that things can change.

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I know that sometimes, with the best will in the world, something that I imagine somebody has promised me, or that my community and my organization or whatever has promised me, maybe they are unable to come through with that.

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Maybe it's not possible.

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A really good example of that that I've actually lived through and witnessed is when we had the economic crash in the UK in 2008,.

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Although no one seems to agree on when that actually started, but I remember in 2008, there were situations where everyone was continuing to conduct themselves exactly the way they had, in good faith, and then suddenly they don't have a job.

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Now their expectation was that if they continued as they were, which had been considered to be virtuous and worthwhile and so forth up until that point, then they would be secure, they would have a job, they would have a salary, they would have a professional reputation, and then suddenly they didn't have that.

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So, on top of the practical difficulties of that situation in terms of income, taking care of the family, feeling you've got something worthwhile to do with your life and so forth, there's the feeling of disappointment.

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And the feeling of disappointment can actually run down through many, many layers of the human psyche, because that feeling of disappointment is something that many of us have experienced to some extent or other in one circumstance or other at all different points of our lives, rather, at all different points of our lives.

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So, okay, the idea if, when I go to my new school at the age of five, if I'm polite and I don't hit anybody, I will be accepted and people will be nice to me, as an expectation, and guess what?

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That doesn't necessarily happen.

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So, in addition to the feeling of maybe physical hurt if someone kicks you or trips you over, or the feeling of unhappiness having to wash the paint off your head if someone's dripped paint all over you at the age of five, on top of that there's a kind of inner psychic dismay and feeling of being let down.

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That is to do with the expectation that we have because of what we believe is our due, because of what we believe will come to us if we behave in the way we think we're expected to behave.

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So you can see, as a child this is very obvious you can see a child bursting into tears and having a tantrum over something that may look quite small, and you can see that that child is at the mercy of a profound sense of being betrayed, let down, dismayed, miserable about it.

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That child is still there within us Now.

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That child will have grown up to some extent, but those undealt with hurts and disappointments from our very early years are still inherently part of our makeup to some degree or other.

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It's simply not possible to heal all of these moments.

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I know because at one point in my life I tried to do it and I quickly discovered you just can't do it.

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At best what you can do is be conscious of the fact that these dynamics exist within us and when something comes up and raises an ugly head and stares you in the face and it becomes unavoidable, you can do some healing work and you can actually very successfully do quite a lot of psychic healing which can then help you to function in the world.

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But if you think that you can go rooting around and dig every single thing out that's ever hurt you, every bit of unresolved hurt from your past, and heal all of it, it can't be done.

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I remember I think it was the Scientologists had this notion of becoming clear.

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If I'm wrong about the Scientologists, then I apologize to the Scientologists and the people who it really was, but I think it was then.

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The idea was that you could actually clear out all of the damage and the wounding and the hurt and the disappointment to the point where you were clear.

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You were a fresh sheet of white, gleaming paper on which you could write your life.

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Now it is, of course, true that you can get much closer to that by doing a lot of personal inner work and I actually think to an extent and for some of us some of the time, that's a worthwhile thing to do.

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For others of us that is really missing the point and it's really a waste of time.

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So it's entirely an individual thing of whether or not that's worthwhile to do.

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But coming back to my theme of hurt and disappointment, so now as adults, if suddenly something happens which contradicts our probably unconscious expectation of what will come to us and what will occur for us and how our circumstances will unfold, if something happens where all of that goes topsy-turvy and doesn't happen in the way that we expected, that can be not just confusing or annoying or inconvenient or financially or possibly even physically dangerous for us.

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There's also the possibility of a deep, subtle, powerful, inner psychic hurt and disappointment which in many ways is more difficult to deal with, because that inner hurt and disappointment is actually from our much younger self.

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That's where it's come from, or rather, our reaction to it.

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That's where it's come from, and we know this because of the degree to which it can sometimes take hold of us and catch us in its jaws, as it were, in a way which, if we were able to stand outside ourselves or if someone else standing outside of us is witnessing us, would seem out of proportion to the actual situation.

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If it seems out of proportion in any way, then it's from our past.

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It's an archaic burden that has come back up for us that, for whatever reason we've parked earlier, has not been fully resolved.

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So for some of us, we're able to recognize these things when they happen.

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We're able to recognize oh, there we go.

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That's my I don't know seven-year-old self, my three-year-old self, my 12-year-old self, my 17 and a half-year-old self, whichever aspect of us it is that is having that reaction.

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Right, I need to take a breath and really reflect on this before I say something that I can't not say or do something that I can't undo, or, as adults, one of the tools we have at our disposal which can actually be utilized as a defensive strategy is becoming very, very opinionated or ranting, very, very opinionated or ranting.

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So this is something I've seen a lot of in the last few years, where somebody is having a rant about how terrible things are or complaining about how things are or what bad decisions are being made and so on, and you listen to it and you think are being made and so on.

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You listen to it and you think there's this feeling.

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There's something else underneath this.

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This is not simply somebody rationally and dispassionately discussing the state of the world.

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This is somebody who's in the jaws of something.

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This is somebody who's actually suffering on the underneath, even though they're not saying they're suffering.

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And in those situations, upon investigation, what is often discovered to the surprise of that person sometimes is that there's a hurt and a disappointment going on which is a much more emotional thing than that person even realized.

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Opinionated and the ranting and being righteous and virtue signaling and all of those other things can go together in a package is actually an attempt to escape that hurt and that disappointment.

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And behind it there may well be a child crying out to be heard, crying out to be understood, to be loved, to be accepted as they are and to feel secure.

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So why am I talking about this now, on this episode?

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Because surely it's just depressing and one of the things we have to live with.

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Well, yes, on one level you could take it that way, but another way to look at it is to say, when we're in these moments, these are actually an opportunity for a really wonderful and life-changing, transformative piece of healing.

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So if we notice ourselves getting into one of these frames where the judgmental mind seems to be taking over and seems to be just wanting to be very righteous and so on, if we find that's occurring, we can ask ourselves could there possibly be a hurt or disappointment behind that?

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That's actually very personal to me.

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That's not just about me weeping for the world, but it's me weeping for myself.

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Is there something personal behind this?

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And if there is, can I investigate that?

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Can I create a safe space for myself where I can reflect and meditate on that?

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Or can I take that to my coach, my therapist, my mentor, my men's group, my women's group, my circle, my co-counseling partner?

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Whatever it is that we're doing?

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Can I take it to the dance floor and dance it out, whatever it is that we do in our lives?

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Can I take this to that situation?

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And can I take it as a signpost, an invitation for me to do some healing, because otherwise I'm just going to possibly exhaust myself and repel all my friends?

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And equally, if you're with somebody and they seem to be in this situation of being stuck in a judgmental mind and if you're getting a sense that maybe behind it there is a disappointment and a hurt going on, maybe let that person know that you are there for them if they'd like to actually explore that possibility.

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It's a very delicate conversation.

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I had one of these conversations the other day with somebody day with somebody who has really diligently and responsibly made a point of being responsible for themselves financially.

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So they've built up some reserves, they've carefully invested those reserves, they're managing it, and they've been managing it very, very carefully and according to all of the different rules and regulations that have been in play in regard to finances, taxes, savings, reserve, etc.

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This was looking set for this person not to be dependent on the state at any point in their life, which is, I think, a worthwhile thing to do, a virtuous thing to do.

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It's not something everyone has an opportunity to do, but this person had really worked very hard to do it and then suddenly some new regulations came through which meant that this person's endeavors may actually not keep them secure now and may actually be far from sufficient, and that they may end up being dependent on the state after all.

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So, on the one hand, yes, these things happen, and I'm sure that there are many people who had circumstances change and discovered what they thought was going to cover them isn't anymore, because things have changed, and this person was kind of annoyed about the changes that have happened, annoyed about some of the new decisions coming through from government and so on.

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But then, through conversation, it turned out that behind that there was a hurt and a disappointment.

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When that point was reached in the conversation, there was a transformation.

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There was a transformation in mutual understanding between me and this other person, and there was a transformation for that person who then felt, actually, I do have this feeling.

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It is personal and it's okay to feel this, it's absolutely fine to feel this and actually what I should be doing is putting my energy into trying to resolve my situation as best I can, being clever about it rather than being resentful, rather than putting my energy into being resentful and judgmental about the situation, so that switch that can occur from being the victim to being the person in the driving seat who says, okay, fair enough, I do feel disappointed, I do actually feel hurt personally, even though none of this is being done by anyone who even knows me, I do feel hurt and disappointed and I do feel personally undermined in this situation.

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However, I'm not going to choose to put my energy into being resentful about that.

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I'm going to choose to put my energy into being clever about how I respond to it.

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So I think at the moment, particularly right now, when there are a lot of changes going on, a lot of people feeling on the back foot or are no longer on the back foot but are recovering from having been on the back foot, or who have friends who are in that situation this whole matter of acknowledging to ourselves the hurts and disappointments we may be experiencing, giving ourselves the space to admit that to ourselves, accept ourselves for having these feelings, maybe do a bit of healing work and divert our energies away from resentment and towards creative response, I think is a highly relevant theme for the day.

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And I certainly have practiced this over the years because I remember years and years ago making a decision that, regardless of what the circumstances were around me, I was really going to make every effort not to let that be a good reason to really have a bad day.

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And there have been all sorts of ups and downs in my life when I've been at risk in all kinds of different ways, and that particular decision that I made and I can't even remember when I made it, but that decision that I made has stood me in very, very good stead.

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It means that my optimism is intact and, as a result of that, my creativity is accessible to me.

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So it's been helpful.

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So I know we all have different circumstances, but I hope this little conversation has been of value to you and in fact, I hope I've even recorded it yes, I have, and I wish you a wonderful week and I also just want to wish you the very best with coping with the vicissitudes of life and just being okay with the fact that sometimes it hurts and that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it just means that sometimes it hurts and to really give yourself whatever it is that you need to support you.

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Thank you for listening to Truth and Transcendence and thank you for supporting the show by rating, reviewing, subscribing.

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And thank you for supporting the show by rating, reviewing, subscribing.

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Buying me a coffee and telling a friend.

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If you'd like to know more about my work, you can find out about mentoring, workshops and energy treatments on beingspaceworld.

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Have a wonderful week and I'll see you next time.

Ep 155: Unraveling the Weave of Disappointment: Pathways to Resilience

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