Ep 144: Susan Gold ~ Overcoming Silence ~ from Childhood Trauma to Adult Empowerment

Transcript

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Truth and Transcendence, brought to you by being Space with Catherine Llewellyn.

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Truth and Transcendence, episode 144, with special guest Susan Gold.

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Now, if you haven't come across Susan, or if you don't already have her book on your shelf, her story is around navigating a ferociously challenging upbringing while bravely moving forward as an adult to face ingrained, outdated and patriarchal programming head-on.

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And Susan, as a result of that, now shares a unique perspective in viewing life challenges as occasions for transformation.

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And through her book Toxic Family, transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom, susan turns the standard paradigm on its head, courageously leading others through her own journey of abuse, addiction and surviving narcissism, all while creating a distinctly empowering personal and professional life.

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So, wow, that's intense, exciting, inspiring.

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So many different layers to it and we absolutely won't be able to cover all of it in this one conversation, because this is a really huge story and a huge experience that Susan's had and is now having in their wonderful life she's in now and I really wanted Susan to come on because she has this remarkable freshness and clarity in relation to extremely difficult and deeply ingrained situations.

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It's so easy in difficult situations for us to become jaded and exhausted and dull and confused and mushy and clogged up with everything, but somehow Susan has this lovely freshness and clarity, which I think is incredibly inspiring, that we could all learn from, and she's, of course, a wonderful example of personal transcendence against seemingly overwhelming odds.

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So, susan, thank you so much for coming on the show.

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Oh, Catherine, from my heart, I'm so delighted to be here and I just feel the energy that you broadcast and then that resonates to your listeners.

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So thank you and brava for 144 episodes.

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That's amazing.

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Thank you.

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I don't quite know how it happened, but yes, there's just so many amazing people to talk to, of whom you are one, of course, so thank you.

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So we talked about, didn't we?

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We talked about facing our toxic family lines, and I know you have an awful lot to say about that.

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And I think, just to kind of spread that even wider, just to say I think my guess is pretty much anyone listening to this conversation has either experienced something in that context of toxic stuff in the family for themselves, or have come across it with friends, loved ones, colleagues, other people that we've connected with.

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It's something we all know exists and certainly when I was a child, which is a while ago now, it was something you didn't speak about.

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You absolutely did not speak about it because it was considered to be disloyal, it was considered to be weak, it was considered to be pathetic, really, that you're just not supposed to talk about these things.

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And so when people like you, susan, speak out, and when other people speak out, I think it's just so valuable for us all to know this is part of life and this is part of what people experience and there are different ways of responding to it and where you've responded to it is unique, so I always like to remind us all that all of these different things we talk about on the show are relevant to all of us one way or another.

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I wonder if you'd like to say something about that, because no doubt you've thought about this matter of one person experiencing something for themselves, but somehow is it relevant for people too?

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I think it can be a shock for some because we have been trained into the system of don't talk, don't tell and the abnormal can seem normal.

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When you come out of that kind of system, and I have to agree with you that most of your listeners are looking for self-realization, are open to alternative ways of thought and being and coming from the heart has significance and that's really a different perspective and I think we that that sort of journey along that line.

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A lot of us have had a lot of hard knocks in this school of living here on this abullient, crazy planet.

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So I feel privileged in hindsight.

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When I was growing up in that home I felt trapped.

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All I did was dream of getting out.

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I was in my basement on the beanbag chair on my belly watching Barbara Walters, who was a great interviewer and journalist, praying I could get to New York City somehow and be like Barbara.

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And ultimately I did go to New York City and worked in this very glittery talent agency.

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They represented all the big stars of the day, but I didn't make enough money to pay my bills and took up a side hustle of training, personal training, and Barbara Walters became a client.

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So how's that for some manifestation?

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Wow.

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Were you nervous when she first showed up as a client.

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Well, I got a call the night before the first session with her and the woman that ran the agency the exercise agency said you know we got a call.

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Do you think it can show up for Barbara Walters, because no one else was brave enough.

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We actually became very friendly and one morning I rang her bell at 7 am, catherine, and she took one look at me and she said Susan, get in here, what's going on?

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And she was, like us, highly intuitive, quite empathic, and within moments she got it out of me that I had been sexually harassed in the workplace the day before and she said I'm coming to work with you this morning.

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We're gonna confront this gentleman together.

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And I said no, that's okay, you know I'll handle it, but I mean so loving, so present and really an extraordinary woman, wow so you just slid that in there about being sexually harassed at work.

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Did that person get confronted in the end?

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I confronted him that day, he asked me if I had everything I needed.

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I said yes.

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He said great, you're fired.

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And I had just gotten sober I don't even think I was 90 days sober at that time and I had extricated myself from an abusive relationship where the gentleman held the purse strings I'm ashamed to say, but that was the truth of it and I was terrified I'd go back into that relationship.

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Barbara offered me an assistant ship with her then fiancee who was running this huge film distribution company.

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But I said, barbara, I can't work as an assistant.

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After what I've experienced, I can't do it.

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So I decided I was going to create my own talent brokerage firm matching celebrities to brands, because that's similar to what I had been learning and doing and basically apprenticing in not knowing anyone, and was introduced to an ad agency head who wanted Andy Warhol, the modern art master, to do an endorsement for his Pontiac dealership client.

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And he said do you think you can get him?

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I said, well, I don't know, I'll try.

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And I was quite determined.

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I couldn't get anyone at the factory to pick up the phone.

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So I took the subway down and knocked on the door and Andy's business manager, fred, answered the door, looking at me through his horn rims, spectacles, wondering what this girl was doing.

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I explained why I was there and he invited me to come back the next day.

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And, growing up in that home, that I did.

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Intuiting and my empathic skills understanding the tone, the temperament, reading the emotions, sensing it, knowing and even a bit of telepathy that I was capable of I knew there was a chance or Fred would never invite me in, and it's certainly not to have an audience with Andy.

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And so back I went the next day, waited, waited, and the double doors to the studio opened.

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It was dark in there, catherine, and I was afraid to walk in.

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I thought what is gonna happen to me?

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But and I went, and there he was, like in the center of the room with this pin spot light coming down on that platinum hair that was going 17 directions and he's penciling like mad.

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And three pugs, you know those little dogs with the smushed up faces.

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They were running around the studio tugging at his pants leg and there I was yammering on about why I was there.

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He paid no mind to me, no eye contact was quite daunting, but he was so connected with those dogs he would scoop him up, he would hold him by his heart, cuddle them you know they were definitely his fur babies.

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And finally he stopped and he looked at me in the eye for the first time and said now really, why should I do this?

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And I just had that flash of silence and the moment I knew the connection with the dogs, I could feel his isolation, I could feel his desire for connection.

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I didn't know if it was true or not, but I said you can have the pugs in the shot with you.

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And he said okay, I'll do it.

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And that launched me into a huge career, matching celebrities with brands and then ultimately on to television and film as a producer, and a huge opportunity.

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But what I'm saying is it would not have come along had I not been open to the opportunity, had I not survived that family system yet I grew up in, had I not learned the skills of trying to hold two people who were my parents one a raging alcoholic, so angry, a far from the subjects he loved music and history, a Peter Pan and a mother who was horribly abused as a child, carrying her father's own shame and abuse.

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He was beaten almost to the point of death and he acted out psychotic episodes on my mother, and she was expected to stay quiet and act as if nothing happened.

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So here these two people collided, and my role was to try to show love.

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My role was to break up the fights, my role was to knit them back together in some way, and that served me as an adult in my career yeah, yeah.

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Well, I feel this sense of an extraordinary sort of openness and sensitivity that you developed, which I can only imagine was that challenging for you sometimes having that degree of sensitivity.

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I didn't understand why, what it was, as a child, but around age nine and a half I knew it was no longer safe because it would be problematic and adults didn't like being told the information that I was delivering.

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So I shut it down tightly and that's when I started to dim that light that was inside me.

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That was just the start, but I still had this tenacity that I was going to get up and out and leave that toxic system and that I was gonna make it yeah, and were you the only child in the family?

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I?

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was a smack.

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In the middle of five children there's an older brother and sister to younger brothers, and we've all had very different experiences and trajectories growing up in that home.

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My brother's experiences mostly of a blackout, and he and I had the most abuse between each other, and it came flooding back to me in my mid 20s once I got sober and I spent about two years working intently on that abuse and other abuse came back to me too.

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It was shut down, it was cloistered, it was socked away deep and, to my benefit and with courage, I did confront my brother, first in letter and then in person, and he said well, those things didn't happen.

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But if they did happen, here's why they happened, and we have a loving relationship, even though I was mostly away from my family, first living in New York no one lived there.

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And then I lived in California no one lived there.

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And then the.

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When the book came out, the title was not toxic family.

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Trust me, I feel I've had a magical illumination transforming all this childhood trauma into what has become adult freedom.

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But the publisher said well, this isn't a magical illumination, this is about a toxic family.

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And here I felt, oh my gosh, I'm gonna throw these people under the bus after they played their role so extraordinarily.

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And I was most fearful for my brother to read that book.

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Yeah, but he did, and I have to say he called me after reading it and I barely recognized his voice on the other end of the line.

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He sounded like he was, at most, ten years old my brother's a strong can-do hero and he said I'm sorry, I'm sorry I wasn't a better brother to you and I am so proud of all you've experienced and lived through and the story you've told as a result.

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Wow, that's, and that is I mean talk about breaking the toxicity in the family.

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Yeah, Wow, yes, because, as you mentioned, it started in generations before your generation and felt it's moved its way through.

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And it's interesting as well when you said about that at nine and a half you made a shift where you started to sort of close in the sensitivity because of that sense of this is not safe or that sense of people can't take this from me.

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What do you think it was in you that responded initially by trying to knit the family together?

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What quality in you do you feel was coming forward when you were doing that?

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Well, I don't know if it's true or not and it could be because I've spent way too much time in Southern California but I've been told I vibrate at a high frequency.

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I've been told I come from the angelic realm.

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I speak and I listen from my heart.

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I didn't always know this and that I listened between the words that people are saying to hear really what they're saying, and that's where a great container of compassion is within me and that's what's helped me survive the things that I've walked through and now be able to come from a whole place to help other human beings who are experiencing the same and its continual unveiling.

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I mean, even to this day I'm understanding how my super empathic traits really impact me.

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I can't watch any of those dark and scary things on television or in movies.

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I can't go to big parties.

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I have to go late and leave early, and then I have to clear once I'm out and back.

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I completely understand that because I have, yes, some of that myself.

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You know you have noticing undercurrents that are going on.

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I stayed at someone's house someone I've known quite a long time and I said to a friend the next day I can never get a good night's sleep in that house and she said I would never sleep there because of the undercurrents that are going on.

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And everyone there loves everybody else.

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There's no actual abuse going on, but there are undercurrents of what's not been spoken.

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And I spoke.

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You know, when you were witnessing your parents, do you think you were better able to actually sense what was behind their behaviour because of your empathic aspect?

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I totally believe so.

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I could feel the torrents of rage that didn't all belong to them, that was out of control and the inch.

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I will just say and this is very graphic, so if you need to turn it down for a few minutes, while I relay this information, a story my sister and I slept in bunk beds we had the same room and I heard our parents outside the room screaming, my mother begging for her life Outside the room.

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Must have been 11.30 at night or so.

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I jumped out of bed, I opened the door.

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I see my father with the knife above his head, my mother on the ground, and I screamed so loudly while it ended it.

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To this day my sister doesn't know.

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She doesn't recall any of that, nor do any of my brothers who were in close proximity.

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It's almost like we were all living in separate spaces.

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And, yes, there was a ton of sinister darkness and there were many times that I split out of my body and was up in the corner of the room to try to feel some kind of safety while I watched what happened below and there were many dreams of being chased, being followed, and I'd see flashes of dark beings out the corner of my eye and I was cognizant of this as a child, but started to table it, then held it in my body.

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I mean, if you look at a photo of me in my early 20s, I much prefer where I am now.

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The decades have been kind.

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Yeah Well, yes, I mean, you don't present as a traumatized person looking at you and hearing your voice.

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So you clearly done an awful lot of work in the interim.

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You clearly done a lot of transformative work in the interim.

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But it sounds like when you said at nine and a half you made that decision, did you then what happened then?

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And you also mentioned getting sober and various other things.

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Do you mind sharing a little bit about that part of your part?

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You know where you kind of went in another direction kind of thing for a while.

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Yeah, I shut down, the abuse intensified and my mother was very loving.

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She'd give Martha Stewart a run for her money, but what would happen is she would flip on a dime and she'd be beating me almost to the point of passing out, definitely the room spinning and seeing Brown.

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So the fights escalated and the trauma escalated and my shutdown increased and I started to use the tools that were presented.

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My father was an exercise bulimic along with being a drinker.

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I mean 7 30 am the dry sink would open before he'd go off to class.

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He'd hear the whiskey bottle on a quark and glug, glug, glug and then he'd be doing laps around the campus because he ate too much at lunch and my mother soothed with food and they prescribed diet pills, which was speed.

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So I picked up these, these tools of coping that we all know aren't tools.

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So in by my early 20s, the same red flags that I saw demonstrated in my home the abusive relationships, the chaotic, frenetic behavior, my inability to express my true feelings.

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I was a complete chameleon.

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I would be who you wanted me to be to be safe.

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So all these toxic tools that I was using, the expiration date came up and luckily I got help, and, very luckily, immediately this gentleman that I saw, this therapist, started talking about.

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Was there alcoholism in my family?

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How much did I drink?

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Did my father drink?

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And I thought I told him outright this has nothing to do.

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I've got a lot of problems in my life, but I'm happy when I drink and my dad would be drinking right along with me if he knew.

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He said you know, you got to check out those meetings for your dad to listen to the stories about your dad, and I also want you to go to those meetings that talk about what children go through raised by addicts and alcoholics.

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I'm like, okay, dutifully, I obeyed, and that's when I got sober and I've been sober ever since.

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Knock wood, I don't take it for granted.

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I don't go to meetings anymore.

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Ultimately, I found it was for narcissists more than empaths, but it certainly did help me get sober and stay sober, face clinical depression, face narcissistic abuse and get some real tools.

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That actually helped me live a healthier life, which is probably why we're having this conversation now, catherine, amazing, amazing.

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So you kind of it sounds like you explored the whole area from both sides, being not content with just surviving it and coming out of it with some amazing capacities.

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You also, on some level, went.

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No, I'm just gonna dive down and wallow in there as well for a bit myself, and then I'm gonna come back out.

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I think next time, before I come in and before I sign on the dotted line, I'm gonna read that fine print, because you hit it Exactly correct, boy.

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Some of the experiences I've had really deep and dark, and I do believe that I've had opportunities for incredible soul evolution and beautiful gifts to unite my heart with my head, and I've learned so much.

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It's been painful, but what a triumph.

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To see it from that perspective.

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Now, it's like I'm in the middle of something right now.

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That's a little uncomfortable and it's great to just go.

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Yeah, here we go.

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This is another chance of learning.

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We don't know how this is gonna turn out, but let's hope for the best.

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I mean, I'm grateful.

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I have so much experience behind me and now I know yeah, here we are.

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It's another opportunity, another life experience.

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You can take it or leave it.

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Yes, and it also sounds like that early thing that you noticed in yourself, which you mentioned happening in your 20s as well that belief that you held of that, in order to be accepted, you had to try to conform to other people's desire or expectation of you.

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It sounds like you've really unraveled that.

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Is that true?

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Boy, that took some equipment to unravel all that.

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But yes, that is true.

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How did you do that?

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Because I think a lot of people.

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Yeah, it was many years of traditional talk therapy and with respect to that modality that landed me square back to where I was 25 years later, what really helped me most were more somatic modalities.

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I hold my trauma in my body, like so many of us.

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So going into it, exploring it, finding the color, the texture, the taste, the timeline Is this present, is this past, is this ancient?

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And then letting it, releasing it and replacing it with light was profound.

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But if it was any kind of therapeutic modality, just about, I've experienced it and it's all added up and it's all been part of the grand scheme to really experience what this life has to offer.

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Yeah, beautiful.

00:27:45.582 --> 00:28:04.701
I'm glad you mentioned the somatic work, because tell me if I'm right about this, but my understanding is that when people go through terrible trauma, they can't actually cope with it at the time, especially if they're a child, as if they have to store it somewhere, and the only place they can store it is in the body.

00:28:04.701 --> 00:28:13.730
So no wonder the somatic work is so valuable, because that's when we can actually metabolize.

00:28:13.730 --> 00:28:15.432
You can't do that with your head, can you?

00:28:15.432 --> 00:28:19.816
You can't metabolize what's in the body with your thinking only.

00:28:21.259 --> 00:28:23.981
Well, what I found was okay.

00:28:23.981 --> 00:28:39.775
The thinking was great to get a linear story down, but really it kept me in a loop and it re-traumatized me, whereas the somatic stuff though some of it was incredibly painful.

00:28:39.775 --> 00:28:46.801
I had a flashback of abuse with my grandfather and this was probably when I was 26.

00:28:46.801 --> 00:28:56.949
And I was in the shower and literally my whole body started vibrating and my legs went to rubber.

00:28:56.949 --> 00:29:28.558
I barely was able to get out of that shower and I was sobbing and I could feel the experience releasing releasing out of my body, and I needed a lot of help to really extrapolate and sort of understand those experiences, which is, yeah, that's where the talk is a plus, but, honestly, the body knows and the body will take me.

00:29:28.659 --> 00:29:29.880
Today, it's much different.

00:29:29.880 --> 00:29:38.086
Today, I have cognizant recognition of when the PTSD is coming up.

00:29:38.086 --> 00:29:55.557
Okay, this is what's triggering that, this is why your mouth is dry, this is why your heart is racing, this is why your solar plexus feels like it's going to break, and the other piece of that, as an empathic being, is I'm picking that up not just for myself, but the collective.

00:29:55.557 --> 00:29:56.279
Yeah.

00:29:58.342 --> 00:30:06.948
Absolutely yes, because all of this exists in the collective as well as in us as individuals and in the communities we're part of.

00:30:06.948 --> 00:30:11.691
So we're kind of swimming in many layers, aren't we, of all of this?

00:30:11.691 --> 00:30:19.596
But are you also picking up from the collective joy and wonder and all of the good things as well?

00:30:21.220 --> 00:30:24.021
I do get fits of that and I'm so grateful when it comes.

00:30:24.021 --> 00:30:31.846
It did take me quite a while to feel safe, to feel joy, but there's nothing better.

00:30:31.846 --> 00:30:34.147
I felt so down.

00:30:34.147 --> 00:30:40.751
The other day I took there was a hula hoop I used to have my son jump through for every birthday until he was 18.

00:30:40.751 --> 00:30:45.994
And I would cray paper, you know, and he would have to jump through this hoop.

00:30:45.994 --> 00:30:47.435
Well, that hoop was in the closet.

00:30:47.435 --> 00:30:50.657
I took it out and I swung it around my waist.

00:30:50.657 --> 00:30:52.201
And I swung it around my waist the other day a couple of times.

00:30:52.201 --> 00:30:57.528
Wow, that was so blissful to feel that emotion.

00:30:57.528 --> 00:31:04.855
I think joy is one of the emotions that I'm most shy around but I'm most excited to feel.

00:31:05.859 --> 00:31:11.884
I can completely understand that, you know, because joy, to fully experience joy, we have to completely open up, don't we?

00:31:11.884 --> 00:31:18.930
And I've had experiences myself or witnessed experience in others.

00:31:18.930 --> 00:31:39.089
When the joy and happiness starts to come through, it comes through accompanied by sadness and loss and all sorts of other things that are just sort of released by the wash of energy, and so that can be very challenging to experience, but also very beautiful.

00:31:39.089 --> 00:31:44.736
When we reach a place where we're ready for that, it can be so beautiful as well, can't it?

00:31:45.880 --> 00:31:46.921
Oh, so much so.

00:31:46.921 --> 00:31:57.990
And I think that the true, authentic gift for me, and quite honestly Catherine, has been to really authentically experience my emotions, to identify them.

00:31:57.990 --> 00:32:06.936
I mean, when I started this path as a young adult, I was so shut down, tight I could barely get to happy, mad, sad, glad.

00:32:06.936 --> 00:32:10.403
I was so angry at the people I'd work with.

00:32:10.403 --> 00:32:18.556
I'd say give me a list, you know, like I don't know this stuff, who has time to figure out if they're feeling irritable?

00:32:18.556 --> 00:32:40.506
And really having that emotional intelligence, that emotional wellness, which is our natural birthright, our natural gift, really leads to such authentic freedom and thereby joy, Of course of course.

00:32:41.960 --> 00:33:06.936
So the moment when you started to make that shift from the bad place let's call it the bad place back towards, you know, really just being in your life in a really good way, was that just a kind of gentle transition or did something happen to really stimulate you choosing to do?

00:33:06.997 --> 00:33:09.901
that it's common layers.

00:33:09.901 --> 00:33:17.786
You know, the first layer was when I just I chose to recover and leave alcohol and drugs behind me.

00:33:17.786 --> 00:33:35.958
And then the next layer came after a 10-year battle with clinical depression, where I chose to use medication off and on until I understood how my suicidal ideation would trigger what that was for me and how to treat it.

00:33:35.958 --> 00:33:43.647
And I'm very grateful to say I haven't used medication in decades, but I wouldn't hesitate.

00:33:43.647 --> 00:33:45.490
I know it helps some people.

00:33:45.490 --> 00:33:48.032
I'm not, you know, this is just my own experience.

00:33:48.032 --> 00:33:50.276
This is obviously is not medical advice.

00:33:51.760 --> 00:33:59.568
And then and then all the perfect story was narcissistic abuse.

00:33:59.568 --> 00:34:03.353
I went from New York to LA for what I thought was a career move.

00:34:03.353 --> 00:34:10.659
I was going to help run a TV show, a TV talk show for a friend, and bring celebrities to the table.

00:34:10.659 --> 00:34:20.847
But really it was to meet the man who would become my greatest guru as in the word teacher and that is my ex-husband.

00:34:20.847 --> 00:34:24.550
And I loved this man.

00:34:24.550 --> 00:34:42.106
And what I came to understand after a long-term marriage was he had alleged narcissistic tendencies and I tried to make him come up to the plate and he just wouldn't do it.

00:34:42.106 --> 00:34:44.489
And so we went to mediation.

00:34:44.570 --> 00:34:50.556
I wanted to cobble that marriage together, even though it was well beyond the expiration date.

00:34:50.556 --> 00:34:54.865
I didn't want to repeat what I saw in my family.

00:34:54.865 --> 00:34:57.469
I didn't want my marriage to crumble.

00:34:57.469 --> 00:35:12.659
But ultimately we got to the last point in this mediation and he folded his arms because it was a manipulation tactic for him and his eyes went in those cold, lizard-like slits and he said I'm hiring an attorney and I'm filing for divorce.

00:35:12.659 --> 00:35:27.916
And the universe came through me, over my white right shoulder, through my heart, and I heard absolutely clearly this is the universe doing for you what you cannot do for yourself.

00:35:28.786 --> 00:35:33.056
We went back to what was our home and became a domicile.

00:35:33.056 --> 00:35:44.496
He took up residence in the master while I was in a partial conversion in the garage, and this was a home I bought and paid for for our family and maintained.

00:35:44.496 --> 00:35:53.876
And that was the billboard I needed at that time to wake me up, to see what I was allowing in my life.

00:35:53.876 --> 00:36:04.835
And I took a deep dive in that little garage conversion and I created a monastery and that's where I did the somatic work to release myself.

00:36:04.965 --> 00:36:06.349
I held no contact.

00:36:06.349 --> 00:36:08.514
I'd been a long-term meditator.

00:36:08.514 --> 00:36:18.329
I held no contact, no verbal contact, no eye contact with the man I loved living in the same structure for a calendar year.

00:36:18.329 --> 00:37:07.295
It took to come to that agreement and he could get his check and go on to his next source of supply and that, ultimately, was the biggest learning lesson I believe I've experienced thus far and really led me to authentic self-love Because, even though I had recovery up to that point still I mean, I'm a human being I was living from the outside in gaining those accolades, not the inside out, and that left me open, ripe and exposed for abuse, yeah, and probably very magnetic as well.

00:37:07.496 --> 00:37:27.452
I imagine you being very attractive to somebody like that in the way that you were being as well, and I think that it's a shame when that happens, but that sounds like a brutal situation.

00:37:27.452 --> 00:37:31.873
I'm sorry you had to go through that, but it also sounds like you really learned something very profound.

00:37:31.873 --> 00:37:34.112
Did you have help with the somatic work?

00:37:36.545 --> 00:37:44.815
Through the divorce I worked with a woman out of Australia and she does something called quantum freedom healing work and it was profound for me.

00:37:44.815 --> 00:37:46.119
It really helped.

00:37:46.119 --> 00:37:52.454
And then the last two months it got pretty intense and that's when I got suicidal.

00:37:52.454 --> 00:37:54.679
I turned it back in on myself.

00:37:54.679 --> 00:38:06.583
So I lined up a friend for every day of the week, a different friend for seven days, and I would call and check in and say I feel okay today or I don't feel okay.

00:38:06.583 --> 00:38:12.443
And if I was suicidal and they didn't pick up I would commit to calling the next person on the list.

00:38:12.443 --> 00:38:16.896
And that's how I got through the last two months of that circumstance.

00:38:17.346 --> 00:38:19.195
That's such an intelligent thing to do.

00:38:19.195 --> 00:38:20.965
I've heard of other people doing things like that.

00:38:20.965 --> 00:38:28.454
You basically create a support team and you just say right, I'm going to be calling you, and they go yeah, happy to do it.

00:38:29.780 --> 00:38:31.648
Which, of course, is wonderful and as well, isn't it?

00:38:31.869 --> 00:38:36.753
Because if we know someone we love is suffering, we're sort of hovering and stepping to foot.

00:38:36.753 --> 00:38:43.092
How can I be helpful without being pushy or without being giving you too little space, or whatever?

00:38:43.092 --> 00:38:45.615
That's beautiful, amazing.

00:38:45.615 --> 00:38:47.119
And then did you?

00:38:47.119 --> 00:38:50.090
At some point you've written this book.

00:38:50.090 --> 00:38:53.976
Now, that's a piece of work, writing a book like this.

00:38:53.976 --> 00:38:59.905
What happened?

00:38:59.905 --> 00:39:09.414
What was the sort of switch point that occurred when you started thinking of actually helping other people in some way in this sort of area?

00:39:10.985 --> 00:39:20.152
I'd been very successful in a very glittering world, working with household names and in very enviable positions, and it was fun.

00:39:20.152 --> 00:39:47.054
But it didn't feel like it was my soul calling and I'd always been doing work, exploring all different types of work, and during the pandemic, when we were all in lockdown, I did an online course that was global, obviously, and that's when I realized, oh, I do have a lot of different experience.

00:39:47.054 --> 00:39:50.748
I do have an interesting family history that I've lived through.

00:39:50.748 --> 00:39:59.873
I have found a way to navigate through it and come out somewhat intact and able to feel that joy we were talking about moments ago.

00:39:59.873 --> 00:40:02.927
Maybe I can help other people with it.

00:40:03.327 --> 00:40:11.635
And it was recommended in 2007 by an Irish seer that I had a book to write and it would help a lot of people, and I kicked that under the closest carpet.

00:40:11.635 --> 00:40:15.809
I did not want to go through that experience for a PR tool.

00:40:15.809 --> 00:40:24.019
And then I was told back to back in 2020, you have a book to write by two psychics and the last one said you have three books to write.

00:40:24.019 --> 00:40:29.335
And I thought, oh great, well, before this turns into a library, I think I'll start on it.

00:40:29.335 --> 00:40:37.735
And I began like the producer I had been 15 minutes a day in front of the computer, whether I had something to write or not.

00:40:37.735 --> 00:40:45.599
And I came up with the first pass of the manuscript in nine months, but I didn't feel a connection to it.

00:40:46.746 --> 00:40:55.954
And a wise mentor said you know, go back through from little Susie's point of view, that inner beautiful child that's walked through all of this with you.

00:40:55.954 --> 00:40:58.117
And I did.

00:40:58.117 --> 00:41:00.889
I took her advice and it was genius.

00:41:00.889 --> 00:41:04.438
I had such a connection to me and I read one of the chapters.

00:41:04.438 --> 00:41:17.494
It was about the divorce and I read it through and I thought, oh, my goodness, that woman is really strong and it took me a split second to realize that is you.

00:41:17.494 --> 00:41:29.592
So I'm really grateful that I went through that experience and I would encourage anyone that has an inkling just start, just do it.

00:41:29.592 --> 00:41:32.858
You owe it to yourself and it's a profound experience.

00:41:32.858 --> 00:41:34.929
What was your book like?

00:41:34.929 --> 00:41:36.693
To start writing it?

00:41:36.693 --> 00:41:38.077
What was your process?

00:41:38.784 --> 00:42:02.034
Well, the first it was like a very short ebook and I had hired a marketing coach who was like a quarter of my age and just out of college, really enthusiastic, and he said you have to create bait, you have to write something which people will want and then they'll give you their email address to get this thing.

00:42:02.034 --> 00:42:03.918
I can't write, I can't write.

00:42:03.918 --> 00:42:09.498
I can't write Because I'd had, I'd been told I couldn't write.

00:42:09.498 --> 00:42:19.244
And so I actually spoke to my practitioner supervisor, who was also a writer, and I said I've been told Drew has told me I have to write something.

00:42:19.244 --> 00:42:20.547
I don't want to do it.

00:42:20.547 --> 00:42:21.068
I can't write.

00:42:21.068 --> 00:42:24.438
And he said look, if you can talk, you can write and you can talk.

00:42:24.438 --> 00:42:26.269
I went that's true.

00:42:26.269 --> 00:42:27.621
He said so you can write.

00:42:27.621 --> 00:42:29.123
So this is the problem.

00:42:29.123 --> 00:42:31.438
This is, you're trying to do two things at once.

00:42:31.438 --> 00:42:34.740
You're trying to write and edit simultaneously.

00:42:34.740 --> 00:42:42.277
He said you've got to write freely and then you've got to edit and then write and then edit.

00:42:42.277 --> 00:42:51.177
And I and I kind of started to do it and he supported me and I broke through and it was quite good.

00:42:51.177 --> 00:42:51.436
Actually.

00:42:51.436 --> 00:43:03.538
It was a good piece and it was quite illuminating, and then I was kind of off after that Sometimes it was still difficult to do, but I then had like a way through to do it.

00:43:04.500 --> 00:43:07.869
But I haven't written anything nearly as personal as this book you've written.

00:43:07.869 --> 00:43:15.329
I mean, I have a book in me that's more of my story, if you like, which I haven't done yet.

00:43:15.329 --> 00:43:22.148
So I think that will be a different challenge for me from the things I've done already.

00:43:22.148 --> 00:43:28.182
So that's the degree of my experience in relation to writing so far.

00:43:28.182 --> 00:43:49.000
But there was one book I wrote where I'd actually I'd interviewed seven people and it was about a particular thing and I couldn't write the book for four years, until four years later, because the topic was so big I wasn't ready to write the book and that was an extraordinary thing.

00:43:49.000 --> 00:43:52.909
When I finally wrote it I went oh, now I know why I haven't been able to write this for four years.

00:43:52.909 --> 00:43:55.965
How long did it take you to write your book?

00:43:58.898 --> 00:44:05.431
I'd say door to door, from when I first started to when it was published last March.

00:44:05.431 --> 00:44:13.534
It was about two and a half years, two and a quarter years, yeah, yeah, it was meant to get out.

00:44:13.534 --> 00:44:17.380
It was something bigger than me working to get it out.

00:44:17.380 --> 00:44:19.063
Gosh, I wish it was a channel book.

00:44:19.063 --> 00:44:20.284
It wasn't channeled at all.

00:44:20.284 --> 00:44:22.148
It would have been easier.

00:44:22.148 --> 00:44:24.090
Hoping, yeah, hoping.

00:44:24.090 --> 00:44:38.932
No, it's not channeled, but I've been told that it's an incredible, riveting story, that I'm a fairly good storyteller, which I appreciate because I used to listen to and my grandmother's Beach House, all the people telling stories in their rockers.

00:44:38.932 --> 00:44:43.025
It was one of my favorite things and I love listening to stories.

00:44:43.025 --> 00:44:47.306
I love speaking with people and getting their stories.

00:44:47.606 --> 00:44:51.346
Yeah, no, it is a very powerful book, wonderful gift.

00:44:51.346 --> 00:44:56.989
I'm going to put the link in the show notes to the book because I highly recommend it.

00:44:56.989 --> 00:45:05.309
It's not necessarily an easy read, but it is full of nuggets of transformation really.

00:45:05.309 --> 00:45:07.514
So I really want to congratulate you for doing that.

00:45:07.514 --> 00:45:13.534
And do you also work with people, helping people in this sort of area?

00:45:15.608 --> 00:45:16.534
Catherine, thanks for asking.

00:45:16.534 --> 00:45:32.514
Yes, I do help people through traumatic experiences and I listen to their stories and I help them with multiple tools, either one-to-one mentoring or digital products, with check-ins and workshops.

00:45:32.514 --> 00:45:48.045
If anyone's listening and you're interested, I'd love to have a chat with you, no strings attached, and I do have a YouTube channel where I'm beginning to post more videos and it's proving helpful.

00:45:48.045 --> 00:45:49.548
Amazing, you feel called.

00:45:49.869 --> 00:45:54.121
Yeah, Amazing, and I think that no strings attached.

00:45:54.121 --> 00:45:58.534
I think sometimes people think, gosh, he sounds amazing, I'd love to talk to her, but do I dare?

00:45:58.534 --> 00:46:03.628
So I think, yeah, do dare people, she's lovely.

00:46:03.628 --> 00:46:07.061
So, yeah, I think that's fantastic.

00:46:07.061 --> 00:46:08.362
I'm delighted that you're doing that.

00:46:08.362 --> 00:46:10.146
I think that's just so great.

00:46:10.146 --> 00:46:19.070
You're not bringing that kind of gloomy, earnest, intense energy to it, which I think is sometimes what people bring.

00:46:19.070 --> 00:46:23.905
They get really sort of oh my God, now I'm taking this really seriously.

00:46:23.905 --> 00:46:26.137
You've been through trauma, yeah.

00:46:31.835 --> 00:46:33.820
There's a lot of laughter and joy in it.

00:46:33.820 --> 00:46:51.451
Yeah, I don't take it that seriously and I think I mean there was a time that I did have to go deep and there's been a lot of sadness, release, there's been depression, there's been all sorts of stuff, but mostly I can see it now as wow, what an amazing gift that was.

00:46:51.451 --> 00:46:52.534
Wow, what a ride that was.

00:46:52.534 --> 00:46:56.137
Exactly how can I help the next person?

00:46:56.137 --> 00:46:58.463
And then how can that person help the next person?

00:46:58.463 --> 00:47:00.208
Yeah, beautiful beautiful.

00:47:01.215 --> 00:47:24.570
And that kind of brings me on to the next question I really like to ask at this point, which is, you know, if we think about where the world is at the moment and how things are, you know, there are some challenges, I think we can say, and I think there are a lot of people in various kinds of leadership position and some of those people are simply trying to be leaders in their own lives.

00:47:24.570 --> 00:47:34.534
You know, and I think a lot of those people want to be part of the solution and some of them are listening to this conversation right now.

00:47:34.534 --> 00:47:59.534
And I just wanted to ask you you know, from the place where you are now after all, you've been through all, you've learned, everything you're observing with the people you're working with is there something you'd like to say to those leaders and aspirational leaders who are trying to be part of the solution, particularly in relationship to some of what you've learned?

00:47:59.534 --> 00:48:01.373
Is there something you'd like to say to those people?

00:48:03.902 --> 00:48:40.349
Well, first of all, you're a human being and you put your pants legs on one at a time and I'm sorry you have to do that publicly, but you are a human being, open your heart, listen to what your people are saying and, regardless your actions, your decisions are all part of our global ascension, of our elevating our consciousness, and thank you for all you're bringing, whether I agree with you or not.

00:48:40.349 --> 00:48:43.414
Thank you, beautiful.

00:48:46.103 --> 00:48:46.746
Oh, shivers.

00:48:46.746 --> 00:48:47.648
Thank you so much.

00:48:47.648 --> 00:48:49.534
That was beautiful, thank you.

00:48:49.534 --> 00:48:56.514
So in a moment I'm going to ask you a couple of you know, wind up things as we come to the end of the conversation.

00:48:56.514 --> 00:48:59.326
Is there something, anything else?

00:48:59.326 --> 00:49:01.534
If you just pause for a second and consider, is there anything else that you feel?

00:49:01.534 --> 00:49:16.150
If you don't say it in this conversation, you'll kick yourself afterwards in relationship to anything around facing our toxic family lines.

00:49:18.438 --> 00:49:21.494
Yes, I would like to say that you're not crazy.

00:49:21.494 --> 00:49:26.494
Your reality is real for you, your emotions and your experience.

00:49:26.494 --> 00:49:40.027
Trust that in yourself and know that you are valuable and you have worth and your experience is important.

00:49:41.878 --> 00:49:42.440
Beautiful.

00:49:42.440 --> 00:49:43.726
Thank you so much.

00:49:43.726 --> 00:49:44.487
I love that.

00:49:44.487 --> 00:49:48.534
So where would you like people to go if they would like to find you?

00:49:50.463 --> 00:49:51.748
Oh, just go to SusanGoldus.

00:49:51.748 --> 00:49:52.309
It's all there.

00:49:52.309 --> 00:49:53.213
I'll keep it really simple.

00:49:55.342 --> 00:49:56.025
Fantastic.

00:49:56.025 --> 00:49:56.748
I love that.

00:49:56.748 --> 00:49:57.891
I think that's great.

00:49:57.891 --> 00:49:58.534
Make it nice and simple.

00:49:58.534 --> 00:50:07.994
And I always ask this question at the end, which is, we've talked about quite a lot in this conversation and I feel like there are all sorts of avenues.

00:50:07.994 --> 00:50:13.572
We've been down and then we've gone down other avenues and they've been cross-referencing all kinds of stuff going on.

00:50:13.572 --> 00:50:14.494
It's been very juicy.

00:50:14.494 --> 00:50:18.534
Has there, for you, been a favourite part of our conversation today?

00:50:20.739 --> 00:50:21.300
Oh my gosh.

00:50:21.300 --> 00:50:27.534
My favourite part, catherine, is just the privilege of listening to your wise voice.

00:50:27.534 --> 00:50:43.150
You have such a beautiful tone and it resonates through my being, and it's just been such a privilege to be in your presence and to engage with you and to feel your being wash over me.

00:50:43.150 --> 00:50:46.534
Thank you, and thank you for what you're bringing.

00:50:48.342 --> 00:50:49.666
Well, thank you very much.

00:50:49.666 --> 00:50:54.771
That's so sweet, really appreciate that, and I also am so thrilled to have had you on.

00:50:54.771 --> 00:50:55.474
It's been such a delight.

00:50:55.474 --> 00:51:01.514
I really enjoyed meeting you in the pre-call as well, and this has just been such a beautiful conversation.

00:51:01.514 --> 00:51:26.010
And I just want to say to the listeners I really hope that you have taken this in and allowed this to go into you, this conversation, because there's so much in it that's so uplifting and transformative For all of us, or perhaps for somebody who you know who really needs to hear this message or perhaps see the book, even if they have to go and look at it privately and not tell anyone.

00:51:26.010 --> 00:51:28.298
So thank you so much.

00:51:28.298 --> 00:51:30.623
So, susan, this has been amazing.

00:51:30.623 --> 00:51:33.170
I wish you an absolutely beautiful day.

00:51:33.170 --> 00:51:35.534
Thank you so much, and thank you.

00:51:40.360 --> 00:51:49.351
Thank you for listening to Truth and Transcendence and thank you for supporting the show by rating, reviewing, subscribing, buying me a coffee and telling a friend.

00:51:49.351 --> 00:51:58.534
If you'd like to know more about my work, you can find out about mentoring, workshops and energy treatments on beingspaceworld.

00:51:58.534 --> 00:52:02.365
Have a wonderful week and I'll see you next time.

Ep 144: Susan Gold ~ Overcoming Silence ~ from Childhood Trauma to Adult Empowerment

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